I’m guessing that years from now, K-Man might come to us and ask if he can go on a trip to Lake Tahoe with 10 friends as part of a cigarette company’s promotion to gain new clients (or maybe to ask if he can buy a bong). And, I’m guessing that as much as his requests sound like good ideas, there’s a chance that we’ll have to break his heart and tell him no. I’m also guessing that, in order to get us to change our minds, K-Man might bust out with a, “But Daaaaaaad! Everybody’s going. Everybody’s doing it!” Sorry kid. That kind of reasoning just ain’t gonna fly.
But today isn’t “years from now,” and K-Man isn’t the one begging for something. It’s us. And, damnit, K-Man…everyone is doing it. Charlie’s doing it. Sophia’s been doing it for months now. Tucker’s doing it. (Well, not really, but you don’t know that.) Sara’s doing it. Need I name others, K-Man? What is it that these kids are doing? That’s right. Using the damn potty. No more diapers.
Yes, K-Man has used the potty intermittently. Even today, he’s more likely to pee in the potty than not. But…poop? Forget about it. He just won’t do it. Just to rub it in, in fact, he’ll stand next to the potty and then crap in his diaper. Nice, K-Man. Very nice. What the hell was that all about?
I know there are ways to do this. I know all about taking a weekend and blah, blah, blah. But, we live in California. Sunny California. Sixty-eight degrees in the middle of winter California. I don’t feel like spending a weekend inside doing this. (Yes, I know…then we have nobody to blame but ourselves. I get that. Shut up.) But I digress…
Enough with the damn diapers already. The kid gets horrific diaper rash. I’ve tried logic. “K-Man,” I’ve explained. “Diaper rash. Think about it. Without the diaper…there is no diaper rash!” He then usually says, “Okay, Daddy.” This is the equivalent of the mystical “vote of confidence” in sports. When a team owner says that his coach is doing a good job and will be with the team next year – you know he’s going to be fired. When K-Man says, “Okay, Daddy.” You know he’s about to crap in his diaper. This is about the time when I get especially skeptical about how smart my kid is.
Desperate times call for…bribes. We tried chocolate. Okay, K-Man, every time you use the potty, we’re going to give you some chocolate. He replied, “I don’t want to get fat, Daddy.” (And, once again…I felt okay about how smart my kid is.) All right, son, chocolate’s not enough. How about a scooter? That’s right, K-Man. You crap in the damn potty, I’ll buy you a freakin’ scooter. That got his attention and as I changed yet another diaper, he said, “Do I get a scooter now?” Time to look at junior colleges, maybe.
K-Man’s junior college tuition will be paid with the work we do in marketing. So, I figured, it’s time to get smarter about this battle. Perhaps we need a bit of marketing muscle. Perhaps we need to add some real incentive.
The scooter did seem to capture his attention (longer than the chocolate chips, at least). So, now…we’re going to print out pictures of the scooter and tape them to the wall above the potty. The message can’t be any stronger: Crap here. Get this. It’s direct marketing at its finest.
I have no idea if this is going to work. Everybody’s doing it kid. You should do it to. (At least for now...Please don’t remember this in 15 years.)